Things That You Never Knew

After The Storm

2012-01-12T22:47:00.000-08:00

As I sat in this corner of the airport, I felt oblivious to the environment around me. This is a luxury that hardly comes to me and "after the storm" was playing on my iPod. Sometimes I wish I could be stuck in a dimension like this where awareness or self consciousness doesn't come at all. A place where I don't judge or get judged by others around me. Why have we fallen to a pit where we measure each other by the standard of the world around us. It makes me wonder about what is happiness in life. Is it the guy in front of me who is happy being with a Thai girl that is willing to be with him for the money? Is it that lady who are happily shopping away in the branded retail store? Is it that guy in suit that looks so satisfied with himself that I presume comes from his success in life?

Do I really want to be in this Reality?

As I sucked out my last mouthful of wild Cherry blended, I found my answer to this question. I want to live in this reality. There is no way of escaping it but I can change the way I live in the reality. I could throw away the ways that I was taught to "survive" in this world.

My God, this is my prayer

Take away self consciousness from my life

Take away judgmental attitude from me

Shield me and guard my mouth and mind from sin

Give me the wisdom to say things that build others and not say things that bring others down

True joy to be found at all time and satisfaction that are derived from the right thing.

Amen.

This is the whole point of traveling, it gives me time to think and reflect my life. I went on a singapore trip this time.

P.s : if you find that this post confusing, it's because I was writing as I sat down thinking so my thoughts flow in such a way. It's changi airport btw.

Awake My Soul

2011-11-02T17:44:00.000-07:00

I was walking down from university today. It is one of those days that you have your earphones plugged into your ears and you are having a leisure walk back. You watch people walking past you with their own conversations and you can't hear them. It is truly a weird yet interesting feeling for me as I felt like a built a world within the world around me.

So I was smiling and humming to the songs while I was walking down the hill that I usually dread walking up to reach the university. I think we are near to the end of autumn as the leaves are all over the surface and the scenery of the trees are just breathtaking. It is scenery like this that you would not mind walking for the whole evening.

Well, I was having a good conversation with a friend of mine so when I was walking down the hill,it struck me how long I have been in this nightmare. This nightmare that had eroded my faith and hope. It almost felt like I lost my soul or maybe I did after all. I kept telling people around me to change their perspective when they look at things in life. We are all stubborn people and I am someone who is persistent with what I want. Probably that is why it took me so long to come out from the nightmare that I had.

It felt refreshing and relieving this evening when I was having my walk. Things are changing for me after all in Reading and I am glad that I am no longer waking up to the same nightmare again. I have crazy and awesome flatmates that make me laugh and wonder how am I gonna cope living out if I don't meet them. Our kitchen becomes like a common room for others as well and you could always have your facebook hacked if you leave your phone or laptop alone. I got to know Nimra which is like the one who is always making me do bad things and getting to lecture late. We both find it more productive to sit apart yet we still like to gossip and laugh at others at the same time. My cantonese is improving thanks to the fact that I have a bunch of HK friends.I am getting involved with MUN and enjoying myself in the process as well.

I shall include pictures as well just to make you all feel jealous of the scenery here.

For now,I have to go to bed for 9 am class that would be absolutely boring. On the bright side,I get only 1 hour lecture for the whole day. Stay Jealous,people.

For the First Time

2011-10-07T16:47:00.000-07:00

This blog is probably so dead right now that no one bother clicking on the link anymore.

I know it is rather hard to explain my absence for 4 months. My last post was before the end of my A2 examination. Trust me,I tried really hard to update this blog but I just could not make myself do it while my mind is so boggled up with everything else.

So my result came out and I got ABB for my A-levels. Turns out that I was able to make my Economics to be an 'A' but not the others. I was surprisingly calm about my result despite the fact that it means I won't be going to Nottingham after all. A good lesson was learnt from the whole A-levels and I am ready to move on to the next part of my life.

So where did I end up then? After days of calling and email-ing,I finally got an offer for University of Reading. If there is one thing that was more depressing than not getting the grades for the university you applied to,its the fact that you have to beg your way into other universities. It was depressing and sense of rejection surrounded me the whole time. I had to motivate myself to not give up in calling up universities and trust that God will provide me a way in finding the right university.

It is easy to blog when you have one major thing that happened in your life but having several major things happening over the past few months made me somewhat paralysed when I wanted to blog about it. My thoughts are always jumbled up and I can't seem to be able to piece everything together.

So,I have arrived in Reading! A small city that is 30 minutes off London and looks lovely in every way! People here are great as well and Fresher's week was a bomb except the fact that I did not go for it every single day. I just can't see myself partying every night and waking up the next day for event in the university as well. I must admit that the whole idea of living myself is scary and interesting at the same time. This is gonna definitely change my view about doing houseworks and stuffs like that. I feel like I am growing up once again and I need to be more mature now.

It feels really good to be a fresher in the university although I still wonder how it would be if I am in Nottingham right now. However,I trust God in placing me here in Reading and I am willing to explore what is in store for me here. I shall explain in more detail of what has happened during the 4 months period. Just to keep you guys excited,I actually went to Cambodia and Australia for backpacking trip. ;)

Deeper Conversation

2011-06-08T17:56:00.000-07:00

One more day till the end of A2 examination for A-levels.

I still remember the first day of college vividly when I was standing at the lobby thinking to myself that this is just one platform that I must get through with before I go for my law degree. One and a half year seem like a rather short period of time to be honest when you finish 11 years of public school education. What seems to me as a mere platform really transformed me in so many ways.

You realise that you have friends that were never yours at all. You see people relying on material possession to keep themselves afloat in what is called the Social Status. You realise that you are not that smart after all after facing tertiary education and how easy it is to slip off from where you are compared to secondary school. You realise that "love" simply don't exist if not coupled with "lust" in college. You would doubt the very existence of pure love in the society we live in today. The same would go for loyalty in friendship.

Some people go through this phase by following the flow which is easy because that just require you to succumb to social pressure and simply follow what others is doing. In fact,you might just have a good time in college and not worry about anything else. Some choose to live in denial and exist as a phantom in college ignoring what other does or talk about. Most of them come out with excellent result and snigger at those who chase for social status which makes them end up in some university that requires their parents just to pay money.

The truth is there is no winner or loser when it comes to college life. At least that is what I learnt from my experience being in college for that period of time. At the end of the day,it all goes back to what the individual chase for in life. Some people miss out on the social circle in high school and try to be that person that they failed to be in high school. Some choose to lose who they are in high school and reborn as a new person in college. Some just could not be bothered to change at all.

So what the author of this blog has chosen for his college life?

The fact is that I tried to be both the outgoing person and the nerd in college as well.

That was the biggest mistake.

I did not only succumb to social pressure but I tried to act like I did not at the same time. This left me thinking that I am smart and outgoing at the same time.

Needless to say,when my results came out for AS examination,I got one of the biggest hit of my life. If I were to describe it using physical means,it would amount to a Punch right on your face that shatters your nose. It makes you go blank for a moment then you just lie there slowly recalling the pain of the punch. The most painful part was not on my side,it was on my parents who were so hopeful when I went into college. Your son going to college with a full scholarship but ended up flunking his exam. I can't help but to feel guilty for shattering their hope.

Then you realise that you only have a handful of friends that will be there for you during times like this. You go around looking for answers of what went wrong in your life and get temporary answers which serve as a covering over your wound.

Then I started to shut everyone off from my life. I need to make things right again and for months I held on to that mindset. I told myself that I never want to see that disappointed face of my dad ever again because it hurts me so bad. To take this stance in life would be the start of one of the toughest period of my life. There are nights that stress overtook me and I just simply feel deflated. People that I love being pushed away from me.

If I have not found God,things would have been much worse. My prayer was always for God to be with me throughout this period. Knowing that He is here for me has brought great comfort in facing the harsh reality. Watching the trials and tribulation Jesus gone through in His life taught me about perseverance. Having my church friends around me has brought great encouragement and watching some of them know God like I did brings great joy to me. For that,I am forever grateful.

I understand now why I have to go through this before I am in university for degree.

Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that.

I counted once again almost fearful that it is true,One more day. It is finally gonna end for me. It has been a long journey yet it has been a "good teacher" to me. I thank God for this experience and I know I am going to walk out of this as a different man.

Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone)

2011-05-31T13:57:00.001-07:00

It turns out tonight has been the most productive midnight studying that I had.

Its not because I managed to finish 3 chapters at one go,in fact I have not even started revising at all.

Let's just say this for the past 6 months,I been frantically looking for the answers to my downfall. I searched every single corner to find the answer! I was so desperate and often frustrated with most of my findings.

But I think I finally figured it out. :)

What is the answer then?

(Will be posted after my exam)

With this revelation,I no longer hold on to those things that I needed to.

This is just about right time.

I just want to thank my friends and most importantly,God for showing this revelation to me. I would still be living in my own illusions if this had not happened.

Happiness

2011-05-21T08:48:00.000-07:00

This exam period seems to be sucking out all the optimism in me.

I feel like a zombie that is geared to revise and do past year questions every single day. I practically slap myself every single day to know that I am still alive in this world that seems to be moving so fast for me.

Faith and principle is shaken at this moment of my life when nothing else seems to matter more than the result of this examination. The burden of my expectation in studies seems to be pushing me lower and lower down the ground. I start to wonder whether is this all still worth it and will it all turn into dust in the end.

After all,I am only human and I break down too. Everyone seems to think I will do fine in the end of the day. Before we get there,I am clearly intimidated by the fear of not being able to enter university.

I know it seems like a small matter in some people's mind. Afterall, people could do external program degree or just go to some college and twin to another uni. It all comes down to having the money. I sometimes wish I was that complacent and put myself in that category.

It is pretty pointless to continue ranting like this without doing anything about it.

Honestly,Happiness feels a lot like sorrow and the amount of effort we put into getting happiness at the end of the day. It almost feels like Happiness is never mine to hold.

Walking After You

2011-05-01T10:29:00.000-07:00

Somehow I feel like admitting this tonight.

I been liking the same person for the past two years.

May is one month that reminds me it has been two years already.

I am glad that I finally found the courage to admit this fact. I know so many who are still struggling till today and I am relieved that I finally walked out of it.

Don't get me wrong there,I never felt tortured that I actually like someone for such a period of time although we were just together for 1/12 of that duration. Well, the love that I felt for the another 11/12 of the duration is what made me sure that I fell in love.

Time is so often the measurement for everything in life. We go to the class and we ask how long its gonna take till it ends? We drive our car and ask how long its gonna take us to reach our destination? We ask people how fast is their progress in studying?

But if you ask me to measure Love with Time,I am sorry that I do not know how to do so. Honestly,I used to think that time could wash away feelings or rather make it fade away but I have come to realise that Time only serve as a gauze over your wound and it takes more than that to let it heal.

So how does it heal?

When you are ready to admit that you never really let that person go then now you are ready to walk after him/her towards a new world again.

I'll say I am sorry now

2011-04-27T03:26:00.000-07:00

Today is 27th April.

April is almost ending and we could say another month has passed or rather 1/3 of the year has passed. Time has certainly lapsed faster than previous years.

February was the last time I posted and I sat here thinking why did it took so long for me to come out with a post. Let me start by saying that I do this all the time, I often sit down and look at my own blog wondering why I did not update it more often. I know it's somewhat an irony considering the most obvious factor points back to me.

So lets make this post interesting by revealing all the draft that I have written for the past few months. Something like infant of thoughts that never made it to birth yet somewhat contain what I felt over the months.

14/1/2011

How should I start this post?
Should I start by having a recap of 2010?
Yeah,I think i should. :)
Let me start by telling you a story of myself.
I am a dreamer and I am ready to take every single step to reach my dream.

14/2/2011

If I die young

Last Saturday,I died.
Don't worry,this is not a suicide note or anything like that.
My baptism was on last Saturday night

16/3/2011

Nothing

Life is truly a remarkable journey.
As I continue walking in the year of 2011,I started taking many new directions. Of course,I got lost countless times and suffered a few stumble along the way too.
At times,I really wonder what is wrong with the world that I have to go through all these things while others just live their own life with ease without worrying much.
Disappointment hit me really hard and I find myself losing faith in my ability in studies.

It is rather interesting to realise that I usually find the urge to write a post in the middle of the month.Maybe I should choose like a specific date that I would update my blog to push myself to complete a post.

Putting that aside,those were thoughts that came up to my mind during this interval and never materialise enough to make a good post. I know that I said I should stick with short post instead but I could not quite convince myself to come up with something less than perfect for my blog due to how much I appreciate this space of mine.

I know people strive to have more readers for their blog and increase it's popularity but I am pretty much contented having a few loyal readers who care enough to read and understand what I am writing here. In fact,I find relief in knowing that my blog is just a tiny speck of dust in the universe of blogging. With that,I could write what I felt and experienced in life without holding back a single bit.

Does anyone else feel that way? I wonder.

Sometimes I wonder if there is someone else out there that is exactly similar to me. Someone who would get fascinated by weird people. Someone who loves to walk in the nature and get fascinated by how people interact with each other as well as biodiversity working as we know it. Someone who loves the type of music that I do and would close their eyes and smile when they listen to it.

I wonder all the time but it is often these thoughts and questions that bring me closer to the answer.

Have a good day while I continue to spend time with my books for the two months to come. Who knows I might cheat on the 'revision' and come here to pour out my thoughts?

After Afterall

2011-02-04T01:08:00.000-08:00

I was writing another post using this title but I felt so compelled to write it with this post instead.

I was having a conversation the other day when my friend mentioned how shocking it was to see me in real life compared to who I am in my blog. She explained that she was reading my blog and wanting to know the real person but was taken aback when she met me in real life.

That story struck a chord in my heart.

I always wanted to be myself and I know I wrote it many times here in my blog as well. So why am I still a different person out there? Am I so afraid of revealing myself truthfully or I have long conformed to the society that I no longer have 'myself'?

I know that I can be myself but why am I failing at every attempt?

Such confusion with my personality is slowly devouring me. Sometimes I pause when I wake up in the morning as I do not want to rush to start my day in the way that I do not desire it to be. This is the sad truth that I have to live with every single day.

Having bad results for my AS crushed me thoroughly. I felt as if I am a plate that shattered into pieces on the floor. The was a sharp pain of disappointment along with waves of self reflection with it. The thing about such experience is that it creates a precedent in your life that you could look back to. I used to have everything to Lose, but now I have nothing to lose.

When you have nothing to lose,it actually makes you more focused on the things you really want in life.

I thank God that He crushed me to pieces so that I could build myself again on rock bottom.

For Rock Bottom became my foundation in life now,I could take it to the direction that I want it to be without having all these ropes holding me back anymore. I promise to be the same person that I am in my blog as well in real life. I am gonna build my life back up with reliance to God.

Its time for a change and I must move forward now. I can't be a coward wanting to run away from this country and the people around me.

After Afterall,I am gonna be Myself.

Older Chest

2010-11-27T22:42:00.000-08:00

Every Human should hold on to their own personality.

That was my principle of life.

Undoubtedly,this is one principle that I struggle with the most. Being a strong Choleric,I have always had the world revolve around me. Everything must be about 'Me' and 'How I want it to be'. I could accept criticism and comment from others but I have never failed to persuade people to my side. I have always thought of it as a strength rather than a weakness . I was arrogant and self-concious all the time. I always thought that given the chance to go back in time,I would have succeeded as one of the pioneers of our world today.

That was how high I regarded myself to be.

Technically,there is nothing wrong with such a personality. Many great dictators and leaders hold on to such a principle. People like that could go really far in life because they are emotionally detached and goal driven at all times.

The only sad fact is that Strong Choleric people are not the type that people would generally favour. In simple fact,it would mean that you are on your own most of the time. I think deep inside it kills all the great dictators and leaders to know that people hate them. Afterall,they are only human with flesh and emotions.

So am I.

I have always like the personality of Dr. House in the show "House M.D"as I could relate to most of his peculiar acts. It has always been an admiration from my inner self towards him.

I start to realise how this personality of mine is slowly forming my path in life. I start to question the reasons behind most of my actions. Unfortunately, Pride and Ego seems to be the main reason in many of my actions.

I could not live in a life like that when I want to give all grace to God.

They say that every trip teaches us something new. Being in Chiang Mai for 8 days has made me clearly see myself and prompted me to seek for help from someone. Humans run when they are attacked,swim when they are drowning, and live stronger when they are dying.

It is all in our nature that we would go against the odds in our life. I am going against the prideful self of mine that has been destroying my friendship with others. I might say that its not worth my effort for certain people but I am looking at the bigger picture now. I am gonna bring my enemies to know God.

It is definitely gonna be a hard process trying to remove this rotten part of myself but I am more than ready to do it with God's strength and grace.

From the bottom of my heart where the Spirit dwells,It is calling for a change.

p.s Sorry for the two month Hiatus. :)

Goodbye

2010-10-09T08:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I walk by the people know and in the midst of saying the usual greetings,I feel terrified.

I feel terrified that I am actually looking at their mask in life and responding to it. It feels like you have to look at the nightmare that you had in a concious state. It feels even more revolting when you know that you have to reply to that mask they are wearing in life.

How often do we really mean our usual greetings? Do you actually care about How is that person doing? Do you actually think that person as your Brother when you call him Bro?

For a long time I wanted to voice my objection to such a lifestyle where everyone is superficial but I find myself slowly influenced by the surrounding and the friends around me. I slowly sank to the bottom of it and felt nothing living my life like that.

However,I am reminded today after a long conversation that this is what I wanted to avoid all along in college.

Yes,I don't want to talk to those masks people are wearing. I want to talk to those who are willing to take of their masks and face me with their own self. Its gonna be really tough to find one but I am determined to find those people who are actually true to their heart. For those who still live with a mask at your face,probably its time to take it off so that you don't look or sound so fake.

Time to live my life according to the way I have always thought it should be. It always feel so good when I find a piece of myself back through daily happenings.

I dreamed a dream

2010-09-30T03:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life could be very taxing and exhausting for most of us. Often enough we get discouraged by failures and obstructions. Its true that things hardly go the way we want it to be but then again if we were to have everything to go the way we want it to be,how can we ever be honed to be better and stronger?

We feel like a buoy floating in the middle of the sea. Drifted far from our destination.

For me there is one lifeline that holds me back,this lifeline is none other than my dream in life. No matter how bad life treats me and how lost I feel,I just have to look back to my dream and picture it.

Of course many would wonder what is it that could be such a strong motivation for me in life.

Let me tell you then,it is the picture of myself standing in front of the court with the Barrister Robe and Wig defending the innocent. The picture of myself fighting for justice never fail to make me smile and beam with pride.

That is my dream.

For my dream to materialise,there are obviously path to be taken for me to get there and this is what exactly I am doing. Studying for my AS exam and choosing the Universities that I am gonna apply to.

Looking at the pictures of those Universities has further inspired me to work harder. With that in mind and strength from God,I am ready to fight for my dream.

Ghosts

2010-09-23T06:46:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I gotta let the song lyrics do the talking for me. Although I would not say that it is perfectly parallel with what is in my mind but nevertheless this is awesome enough to be posted here.

He walked down a busy street
Staring solely at his feet
Clutching pictures of past lovers at his side
Stood at the table where she sat
And removed his hat
In respect of her presence
Presents her with the pictures and says
These are just ghosts that broke my heart before I met you.
These are just ghosts that broke my heart before I met you

He opened up his little heart
Unlocked the lock that kept it dark
And read a written warning
Saying 'I'm still mourning
Over ghosts
Over ghosts
Over ghosts
Over ghosts that broke my heart before I met you'

Lover, please do not
Fall to your knees
It's not
Like I believe in
Everlasting love

so he went crazy at nineteen
Said he'd lost all his self esteem
And couldn't understand why he was crying

He would stare at empty chairs
Think of the ghosts that once sat there
The ghosts that broke his heart.
oh the ghosts that broke my heart
The ghosts that broke his heart
oh the ghosts that broke my heart
the ghosts the ghosts the ghosts the ghosts the ghosts the ghosts
The ghosts that broke my heart before I met you

Lover, please do not
Fall to your knees
It's not
Like I believe in
Everlasting love

He says 'I'm so lost,
Not at all well'

Come Back to Bed

2010-09-21T11:14:00.000-07:00

I have forgotten since when I started enjoying the night more than the days. Perhaps it was after losing the one I used to love,I no longer think that living in the daylight was any better. I started enjoying the peace and calmness of the night.

At least I know there are not many who are still awake at this time and there is less chance of me getting hurt by anyone. It is this kind of protective feeling that I eventually developed after the heartbreak. Eventually it turns into a habit and I no longer could go to bed early anymore. They call this symptom Insomnia.

Little do we realise that we all actually adapt to some kind of protection after getting hurt. It changes us from the inside to make us more numb to it. I even had partial memory loss about everything that happened. Perhaps my mind knew it was just too painful to flash through it but it has already been one year plus. I just wish that everything was more simple right from the start till the end.

As I sit here typing this post being awake in the middle of the night,I ask myself again. "Was it worth me feeling so much for it?"

Again I find myself smiling at the answer knowing that I have always known. Indeed,I have always known. :) The night is silent as always but my thoughts are echoing around the room creating a serenade that makes me feel safe and serene. It is good to know that those echo could be written down into words.

The Sound of Silence

2010-09-18T03:00:00.000-07:00

How long has it been?

This feeling of writing a blog post seems to be so alien now to me,yet every word that I am typing brings back a unique feeling that I have not felt over the months. A quick look at the archives shows that my last blog post was in April.

Then I realised it was that long ago,5 months of my life has passed since the last blog post and I could not even write out a single blog post.

Now I understand this unique feeling,it is a feeling of coming back home.

Just to recount the various happenings that has happened over the months:

Semester exam has passed and I somehow got a certificate of Merit for getting all Bs
Even Mock Exam is over and my result is out
I had a bad luck spree prior and after my birthday
Celebrated my 18th birthday with 4 groups of people
Went for debates and somehow got the Best Speaker and Runner Up
Found someone that i want to be with during the trip for debate
Grew spiritually in God's family
I lost one of my best friend

Looking back at those highlights for the past 5 months,I could not decide whether I have lived my life according to my way.

Then how did I got to such a low point in my life? That even being such an egocentric person could not help to make me feel better about myself. The insults,sabotages,failures and etc has somehow turn into water that slowly weaken this pillar of mine. As the days passed, its slowly erodes the surface all the way to the core of it. I have always thought that I was numb to all these elements that tries to weaken me in life. Little did I know that they actually hit me slowly like waves of water eroding a pillar at the side of the beach.

Knowing that,I have finally come to sense that I need to stop this erosion of my life. I no longer desire to be inflated by ego merely but I want the substance to be there as well.

Writing in this blog again makes me come back home once again,come back to who I really am in the inside so that I no longer live solely on my outer ego.

This marks the new start of my life with my inner soul intact once again and the end of my life with my outer ego solely.

I can't wait to embark on this journey once again after I came to this junction of my life. This is gonna be yet another road/chapter of life.

-David-

The Prayer

2010-04-25T07:02:00.000-07:00

I feel lost.

This thought has been haunting me. Its been tearing me from the inside and it's time to do something about it. We are humans with strong instinct and when something is wrong,we got to change.

I feel like running on a treadmill where i can just close my eyes and run non stop till I am too exhausted. I need to find back my confidence that used to be my pillar of strength. That confidence that seems so bleak in me these days. I don't know how did I lose it but its certainly not here most of the time with me anymore.

Was it an incident that made me lost confidence? Is it the people I am around with? I keep on asking myself endless questions.

As i ran through those questions,its obvious that I can no longer live in the present lifestyle.

I stopped this post right here weeks ago and left it as a draft until now.

Now weeks later,I am here to complete it.

I felt lost because I did not bother looking or rather I look too far beyond my capability.

I felt lost because I did not look back and appreciate what I had.

I felt lost because I tried to compare myself with people around me.

and I felt lost because I made myself think that I was really Lost.

Because of all that,I pushed myself into one dark corner and started hating my life. I wake up every single day with a bad vibe and obvious enough the day started and ended badly for me for that whole period.

You will always get what u wished for,isn't it?

Its just pathetic when I wake up everyday cursing and complaining about everything around me. Even in class, i felt like a zombie all the time without enjoying a single lesson at all. Not even in my favourite Law class that I felt really enthusiastic about it.

I had to pray hard for a change in my life that was so dreadful. Thanks to God's grace,I was shown a way.

I start to realise that I have overlooked many things in my life that I had. Simple things from the people around me to my achievements in life was ignored by myself. I was at the top of the mountain again and unable to look down to the foot of the mountain to see the great things in life.

I was at the tipping point and also the falling point of my life at the same time.

I had to pick myself up again and start walking again. I just knew it without having to be told about. I start to look at myself in detail and recap about the things that have happened in my life. I start to put on a smile that have long gone from my face. I started looking up again at the good side of things rather than the dark side.

Of course it was not easy to switch side once again. The first day I tried to change,My car got scratched by someone using a key and then it someone scratched my car while reversing out. I know its all trials that is here to bring me down and deter me but I am not ready to give up.

Sometimes what separates us from total despair in life is a thin line. So thin that we often cross it without knowing ourselves. I am glad to be back from the other side and remind myself to be careful the next time around that I accidentally cross over to it again.

I had walked this far and done so much but I am obviously not gonna stop here. Instead I am gonna continue making my mark in life and living a purposeful life. Life is never an easy journey for anyone but I am gonna continue walking strong with a child-like Faith and God by my side.

I pray you'll be our eyes.
And watch Us where we go.
And help us to be Wise.
In times when we don't know.
Let this be our prayer.
When we lose our way.
Lead us to a place.
guide us with your grace.
To a place we'll be safe.

Tear down the Walls

2010-03-28T09:34:00.000-07:00

Its been a while and I wonder how many times i wrote that in my blog. In fact,this update is mainly for me to update myself and to some readers who still read this dead blog.

My last update was before my driving test and that is just so long ago now that i think about it. The excitement of getting my driving license even start to fade already. Driving is convenient and I am just glad that I can finally drive myself to all those places that i have to go without bothering my parents. That is the only advantage of having my license and remain as the most important one. In fact,its like a liberty to me in life and certainly shows that we are growing up in this society.

Besides the hype about being able to drive,I think the highlight so far should be my SPM result. Well,I got 11 As for SPM. Just to be more detailed,i did not get all A+ but i don't mind and I took 11 subjects. Lets just leave those comments to yourself because I am contented with my result and if this is God's plan for me then I will just obey.

Somehow,SPM result has brought mixed feelings into my new life in college.

I can feel that i am standing at a junction with few different roads branching out for me again. Instantly,I know this is the time to make choices again in my life. Scholarships are one of the option and remain important to me as I need it to make sure I can further my studies to UK. At the same time,i want to stay in my current college with my friends that i just found. This mixed emotion just scares me so much some times.

Trust is so fragile these days that we perceive everyone to be untrustable. Even I could not deny the fact that I have very fragile trust on others. Betrayal had certainly took its toll on me by destroying the trust i used to have for others.I find myself slowly losing trust for others.

It has been so long since college started and I must say that I am really tired at this point. I am tired of the things that are happening around me,friends that could not understand me and attitudes that i do not have to tolerate with.The walk of life has became tougher for me and I really hope that I can find the strength once again.

Even my usual principle of keeping everyone happy is slowly shaken. I just can't bring myself to do it anymore when people just don't seem to understand anymore. They are being more and more selfish and only care about what positive effect an action might do to themselves. Can't we just tear down the walls around us and start caring for others?

Its just hard to be me without having to endure criticism. I find myself trapped between my outer ego and myself. It feels worse when I had to feel like i am taken granted for in most of the things. If really bringing me down would make them so happy,I will stand here and let you do it then.

Tear down the walls see the world
Is there something we have missed
Turn from ourselves
Look beyond
There is so much more than this

And I don't need to see it to believe it
I don't need to see it to believe it
Cause I can't shake this
Fire deep inside my heart

Starry Starry Night

2010-01-31T09:42:00.000-08:00

I wonder why I am awake at 2 am in the morning to blog. Maybe its because of what has been running through my mind lately.

Do you all know that the song Starry Starry night is actually talking about Van Gogh painting? People never appreciated his arts until he passed away. He was actually mentally ill and eventually died of a gunshot wound. Sad,isn't it? If people would just try to understand and accept him,he would have been able to draw more magnificent paintings.

How does that relate to me? I guess very few of my friends can actually know my personality well. Some might think that they know me very well and end up knowing that they are actually very far from knowing me at all.Only a few are able to have a heart to heart talk to me as I don't usually open myself much to people.

That does not mean that I don't appreciate friends in my life. Its just that true friends are very scarce this day. Going to college make me realize that fact even clearer. Most of the time,you need mutual benefits if something is to be done. Has life made us this realistic ? Must everything come with benefits?

Even I find myself slowly losing grip on my belief and falling into the same mindset as them. For that,I hate myself. I hate myself not because I want to end my life or dread it. I hate myself for being so weak to the temptation and circumstances around me. I have always strived to be who I am inside and not succumbing to peer pressure. That is how great the influence is in college.

The good thing is I am starting to get used to the timetable and I am not so dead tired after coming back from college. I have also learned to play ping pong,its the college sport. I think every student knows how to play ping pong or at least played once in college. Amusing,isn't it? Hopefully,I will be driving soon then I don't have to face the risk of having the same fate with a few of people in college having food poisoning.

Trust me,there is just too much things happening around me to talk about. Life goes on and well I am Surviving.I have stop expecting too much from college life and I actually don't have to look around too long for a group of friends now. It will be soon till college life becomes a routine for me.

It has been a long one month since i wrote the last post and I hope you don't have to wait another month for another post. I will be writing my post in a whole new creative way soon. Look out for it!

P.S I can't wait for Chinese New Year
P.P.S I can't wait to drive after CNY,provided that i passed my driving test.

Eskimo

2010-01-06T07:47:00.000-08:00

Well,its time for me to update you all about my life.

Certainly,those under the age of 18 are going back to school for yet another year. Whereas people like me either go to college or stay at home/working. I like to put Stay at home and working together because it's the other option other than studying. I learned about Trade Off in Econ class and we actually traded off our Leisure Time+Working Salary for going to college. The best part is we are paying for it. That further increase our loss.

Let's say I am one of those who make loss this time of the year by going to college. Reason? I simply put a higher value in education rather than the factors stated above.

I am no longer in Science stream and I am taking all four Arts Subject excluding Maths. That leaves me with Econ,Law,Business Studies and Accounts. Why from Science to Arts? Let me give you a good reply. You are a coffee drinker and you have been drinking it for 17 years in your life and one day u take a sip of Tea. You liked it but it is not available yet. When it is available finally,would you go drink Tea instead?

Many people would stick with Coffee because they are so used to it but i am used to individualism and being out of the cliche so I chose to go for Tea instead. I know that Tea is something that I enjoy drinking more despite having absolutely no problem with Coffee. Get it now? Well,figure it out and ask if you still do not understand.

College life to many would be a rebirth and you have to rise among the ranks to be Popular. Some might even forget about studying altogether and I can tell you that some of them had their eyes planted on their forehead. Saddening,isn't it?

I guess this is all that i could update for now. Class from 8-5 averagely is killing me!

The Fear You Won't Fall

2009-12-20T09:51:00.000-08:00

What has the world today changed us into?

I refuse to believe that I would question myself about this but I think I had enough of my own mixed emotions lately.Secondary school life is over and I no longer have to put up with whatever shit that I had last time.

We are having such a short life and yet people are trying to attack each other everyday. Tactics and scam become the way of life in the world today as if those who don't follow suit becomes the weakest link. I can't stand those fakers in my life and I can't stand those who act like my friend.

I have nothing to offer afterall and I don't need anything to return. I know so many people who had their tiny hope crushed just because of others selfishness. Just because others don't get what they want,does it really make you feel better? Ask your true emotion and tell me the answer.

Envy will get us nowhere and it won't be long before you become a public enemy yourself. Bragging about what you got won't make people respect you more but it will only lead you to your own doom. What happened to humbleness in life? Just because you are born rich does not mean you will die being rich.

We got to start waking up and not walk in the shoes that other prepared for us. This life is a long journey that we are supposed to take each step by ourselves. There is no one there to take us to the final destination.

There is no need for me to act like I am alright when i am not,there is no need to hold back the tears when i feel like crying and there is no need to hide when i am ashamed.

The culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it

I am moving on from this point and I no longer want to adhere to the surrounding I am in. I want to be myself and I am killing my outer ego.

Delicate

2009-12-15T07:53:00.000-08:00

I know it is predictable but I am still gonna say that SPM is finally over.

I know you might have read this sentence over and over again in all those blog of people who are seventeen this year. Of course I am not gonna be typical and celebrate the ending of secondary education,instead I am just happy this phase of my life is over.Its funny,isn't it? How could we expect something such as learning to ever end? SPM is just a phase in our life and now we can finally move to the next phase in our life.There is no need to ask how is it like after SPM? SPM is just an exam and we are making it sound like its a big disaster/apocalypse that we need to ask people how they feel after it.

So,How do I feel after SPM?

My answer would be " I feel relieved and ready to take the next step"

I no longer want to talk about it or discuss much about it because I know i did my best for it. I promised myself to do well and I pushed myself until the last day of it. The results is gonna be evidence of my hard work and I am not gonna whine about it. Its getting pathetic that you keep whining about how you did in SPM if we all know that you did well or the other way around. The point is nobody cares about how you did,we are too busy being concerned with our own.

I registered for college and its INTI for me. I don't care about what people have to comment about it because I am the one studying in it. Just let me be the judge whether its good or not. The lecturer for law seems like a good person to me,someone who I can ask her more about being a lawyer in UK since she been one for many years there.Let this whole college issue to be over because i only want to get good college education without my parents having to pay a lot for it.

5 years of secondary education has been a wholesome package full of knowledge for me and it didn't only made me better academically but as a whole person as well. I have walked pass this stepping stone to my future and ready for more. I pledge to stick to my dream and bring justice to the court one day.

Secondary School Life is Over

2009-11-12T10:22:00.000-08:00

I guess I will make an exception this time for the title as I am writing about the last day of my secondary school life.

Tomorrow is supposed to be our last day in school. Yes,I am in my last year in Penang Free School and I am not planning to go back for Form 6 so it is really the last day for me. I can't help to feel nostalgic when my friends mention about it for this is the school that I have yearned to enter so badly and to come out of it as another person was really a long journey.

I can't say the same for others but Free School was the school that I would look at and dream to enter when I was small. You can say that the standard has took a plunge and it is no longer as good as before but a true Frees would not agree with you.We are still proud of ourselves being the Free School boys and we still hold on to our three principle 'School for Scholars,Sportsmen and Gentlemen'.

The 5 years in the school has transformed me from a young boy with no thoughts about the future to a young man with dreams for his future. The journey was certainly a patient and stern 'teacher'. Many things have happened to me in this school. Scouts took up part of my life and taught me many new things,Prefects taught me about politics,Schoolmates taught me about friendship and teachers taught me about Dedication (This goes to only those who teach with their heart).

I counted the number of t-shirts that I got from school organisations. I actually have 21 shirts from various clubs,board and mostly from my experience as a scout. I have 6 PJ t-shirt and 4 PJ pants. I am sure most of us have that many PJ attire too. We all love wearing them.

Throughout my 5 years in school,I have met so many people and made friends with so many of them. I found my best friends,close friends and a bunch of friends who will be there for me. I also have my juniors in scouts who had somehow became my younger brothers. I also have my classmates in all the years that I am in Free School enriching my life in school everyday.

5 years just passed like that and I still remember vividly everything that happened from the first day I was in school. I was actually sick of the first day of school and almost fainted in the assembly. Since then,so many things have changed.

As I end this post,I can't help but to feel nostalgic for leaving the school.

Thank you for the great 5 years in my life,Penang Free School.

(My days at the school)

9 Crimes

2009-11-02T12:50:00.000-08:00

Somehow at this moment I feel exhausted from my current lifestyle. I feel like its hard to start running again. 5 years of secondary school education comes down to this 2 weeks,I can really feel the stress building up on me. I want to stop running in this race if I could but this is just too hard for me.

This routine has sucked out all the fun part in my life. I feel guilty whenever I don't finish studying at least 2 chapters a day. I live in such routine and continue to struggle in it.

I must not complain because this is my future that we are talking about. I seen people posting up that they gonna disappear from everything until SPM comes. I think I should do the same for this two weeks too. Its just not wise to be wasting my time anymore and feel guilty about at the end of the day.

My laptop will be locked away and songs will only come from my mobile phone. It doesn't matter if i fall down tonight,because I know I will get back up again stronger than before. Tomorrow is a new day and it will be a better day.

Quoted from Nick Vujicic "Are you gonna finish strong?"

Yes,I will finish strong this time.

I am not gonna say its impossible to get 11 A1. I will live up to my own expectation of taking a law degree in the most famous law school in the world.

Tears in Heaven

2009-10-26T12:55:00.000-07:00

I feel really relieved today. Its like I offloaded something heavy that I have been dragging for months already. No doubt that my stubbornness got the best of me again and made me keep on dragging it although its already over long time ago. I can finally feel my long breath again without images flashing through.

I can't say that i regretted from this experience but I have certainly learn something once again. I have learn to appreciate people in my life more. Sometimes we just tend to forget how lucky we are just to have friends around us. We take for granted and ask so much from them until one point where we lose them and we realize how valuable they were.

I have always needed the right time to let go and I just can't find any better time than now. I did enough and more than what i should have so its time to stop.

I wont take this sinking boat and point it home anymore. I am letting it sink to the bottom and be forgotten. It will go down with all the memories with it and everything that happened. I shall be rowing on my new boat looking for a new adventure again.

Who Says

2009-10-20T11:17:00.000-07:00

Maybe its time I tell you all a little bit about my life.

Since I was small,I was not better than others. I never consider myself to be special or outstanding compared to other kids. I have always knew that I am just that typical person in this big world. I don't dream about great ambition nor great toys if that is what kids want the most.

I am not a good boy since I was small. I am rebellious and always have all the crazy ideas in my head that makes my mum explode with anger at the end of the day. Miraculously, I am still this stubborn after all the beating and scolding that I got because of that.

Being in primary school,I am not the brightest student unless u consider being one the naughtiest as a merit. My results never make my parents want to buy anything for me. Playstation Generation one was only bought for me after 5 years its out. Apparently I tried to get top 3 in my class for 5 years but to no avail at all. I only got it after my mum is so fed up of me asking.

It was a suprise that I could actually get 5As for UPSR. Don't ask me how i did it but it just happened. Even until now my mum said it was impossible that i could actually do it.Nevertheless,I got the chance to go PFS. It is special for me because my Grandfather used to study there and FYI* I never got to see my grandfather,so following his footsteps is a great honour for me.

I was terrible at school. Mixing with the wrong people and wasting my time away with playing truant. I was not good for my studies and i got 90 something in the form. Now,that result is just like saying that I am an idiot. Yeah,no difference from rubbish in the school.

I must be really lucky because usually rubbish don't find their way back after being dumped. Its was one of those turning point in your life when you ask yourself,"What the hell did I achieve after being on the earth for more than one decade?" That question made me think and start to look for a new beginning in life.

I start to take up books to read and with every book that I read,I become a better person. Those books are those self help books that you often see at bookstores. I wonder why some people don't even dare to walk near them when they are such great books.

Those books were the tools I use to crawl back to the top of my life again. Life improved after that and I am not saying that I only had good times.It was not easy to get back on the right path again. There are setbacks that make you regret so much and make you feel like giving up.I guess determination was the only thing who kept me going.

Now,I no longer need to hide my report card nor get scolding because of my results. I changed to a new person. People often ask me how I improved so much compared to last time and I would answer "You just have to look for that turning point". I am glad to be who I am right now and the achievement that I had so far.

I know that you all must be asking why i am writing all these things about my life. The reason is I want to remind myself about that time when I got a second chance to change and I will never go back there again.I want to keep going forward and be who I want myself to be.

If you don't know what ambition i have now,It's Lawyer. It may seem like nothing compared to most of the professional jobs that we have now but Law is the basic of everything in life. Think about it.

With that,I would like to go back to my books for one month and do well in the stepping stone of my life. I remember my dad telling me that SPM is one of the smallest and the most slippery stepping stone in your life. I remember telling myself how true was that sentence.

To those of you who are taking SPM this year,I hope you share the same belief as I do and continue to work hard for it.

Whiskey Lullaby

2009-10-12T01:05:00.000-07:00

The hardest part in life is letting go of something you want so badly.

I think its finally time to let go of everything. I have done what I could to make sure she does not look back anymore. All the arguments and insults I have started had finally pushed her far far away from me. I was not meant to be a burden and I will not be one in the end of the day. I used to see some people trying to live in denial and refusing to let go of someone they love.They just simply don't understand that many have better life ahead of them and when its time to let go,you have to do it no matter what. I guess I have chosen the hard way but I am glad I did it sooner before everything got complicated.As I said my last goodbye,I wish you all the best and may you be like the others in the family. Getting in Ivy League and being a successful person.

I guess its time to get worked up about SPM since its only one month away now. The thing about me is that I hate to talk about studies here as there is a lot of hypocrites around judging others progress. Get over it and grow up as I am not interested in comparing myself to you.I just want to chase my dream which have nothing to do with yours. Don't get me wrong,I like to be competitive but I don't like to be competing with a bunch of paranoid people.

I guess its time to get back to books and all.

He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said I'll love her 'til I die
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby.

This song is certainly one of the best country songs and its such a waste Stephen Gately passed away so early.

I Never Told You

2009-09-29T10:09:00.000-07:00

Actually I wanted to pour out what I am thinking right now but after reading the lyrics of the new song by Colbie Caillat,I think it already perfectly match what I was thinking.

I miss those blue eyes
How you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep

Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
and after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

Maybe I shouldn't have been so impulsive after all and I should have talked to you without any barrier all the while. Every conversation turns into argument and We find ourselves drifting further from each other.I can only stay far away from you now and still love you as much as I do last time.

For those of you who still have not realize it,all my post title are actually song title just to make things special here and to show my appreciation to these nice songs.Enjoy it and Cheers!

P.S. The song was found in Miss Sher Lyn's playlist,so i gotta give credit to her for having such good taste.

Beautiful Mess

2009-09-27T09:10:00.001-07:00

I guess I lived up to my own expectation of this holiday. I had the whole week out with friends and ate countless food. All the late night supper and Nasi Kandar,I gonna stop eating Nasi Kandar for one week.Of course there are a lot more than that and I thank those people who fetch me out this whole week. They lessen the lameness of my holiday life and I see some of my friends living it like a heaven too.I guess everyone got a fair share of what they expected of the holiday.

I can't say that I don't look forward to school as I am gonna live my last 2 month of it before leaving it forever but somehow i think I gonna be home frequently to home study as well.

Its been a long week and I can finally say that "I Had Enough" and put myself on track again studying for the most important stepping stone in my life.

She says

2009-09-20T08:51:00.000-07:00

Expectation is a very funny thing. When it comes to expectation,it is a very contradicting matter.

Let me break this down and explain it.

When you have expectation of something,you will never feel that you had enough and you will end up being disappointed.Every single detail will be put into consideration and you will never feel that it is good enough.

On the other hand,if you do something without expectation,You don't need to set any limit for it to happen. In fact,something you hope for might no need to happen at all and you are still perfectly okay with it. Doing things without expectation will not make you worry or anticipate at all and this wont bring any disappointment.

The contradicting part is without expectation,we could never progress further or actually know what will happen if we go to that extend. Everything will freefall into place as they like and we would have no control at all.So is it actually good afterall?

However,having expectation would possibly means disappointment most of the time.Have you ever find yourself in such position? Have you ever had to choose to have expectation or not?

Well,this is something that I am pondering about and to share with you all to ponder as well.

We should live with expectations or not?

All or nothing

2009-09-20T05:38:00.000-07:00

Okay,my weekend has been eventful and I am drained after going out for two days. Gonna give myself some time to rejuvenate.Details about what i did will not be revealed here as I don't plan to make this blog an online journal of what i ate and done in my life.It is just not my type of thing seriously.

The coming week will be my last week to enjoy before I start studying for the real SPM.I guess it will be good to loosen up a bit before you go all in on something. I am not gonna let myself be those who lose all the fun of life because of one exam.

How do i finally get disgusted of someone i used to look up to so much? I guess my limit was tested and I just could not take it anymore. I have my own life and I don't have to answer every questions that u impose to me like how you don't give a damn about mine.I used to feel like i should keep my promises but now I just feel like its not worth it anymore.

The flash flood on Friday night was damn cool except for those are caught in it or their vehicles are damaged by it.I guess that is the one time I wish i am not the Driver!

No sympathy, when shouting out is all you know
Behind your lies I can see the secrets you don't show
We don't know how you're spending all of your days
Knowing that love isn't here
You see the pictures but you don't know their names
'Cause love isn't here

You're not sorry

2009-09-17T13:12:00.000-07:00

As you all may have noticed,i have changed my the layout of my blog. Thought that it should have some new look after so long.Today marks the day trials ended. I am glad that the long suffering has ended but I am disappointed at the same time as I could have done better for Add Maths.

Today also mark the first day that I actually stopped being sorry about what happened and I think you have killed the hope finally.As you are reading this,this will be the last one talking about you so you can start move on to the other blog. 18/9/09 This is the date I will start to let go of you.

As for those reader who had been reading all about my super melancholic post,I am sorry. I will promise more reading about my life rather than ranting and complaints.

Reality Check

2009-09-15T09:23:00.000-07:00

You just came like that and ditch me when u finish fulfilling your curiosity.I can't help to feel shattered by such action. I guess I have nothing to complain about since i became a nobody and you will feel that i deserved this.

I guess i should just free fall and feel the pain.

Dreaming With A Broken Heart.

2009-09-14T11:01:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wanted to turn back time to undo something you done wrong,to say something unsaid or to save something that you ignored? I guess everyone would have those thoughts before in their life.

I am just being random tonight thinking about everything that happened.

I told a white lie. Would you ever know?

Trials is ending in 3 days time,I can't wait seriously.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll out of bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not
'Cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone

Without you

2009-09-08T10:19:00.000-07:00

I count the minutes on the clock,
I count the days as they rolled by..
not here to listen when I talk
not here to hold me when I cry..
and as the weeks passed on
and you're still gone
I will wish that you were here..
and now I close my eyes
ask myself why?
why did you disapear?

summer seasons come and gone
now the leaves fall from the trees
and like the branches my hearts barren,
your voice echoes in the breeze.
so winter's yet to come
my hopes are numb
----
and as winter nears
only to feed my fears
it feels colder than before..

where are you now?
where have you gone?
are you ever coming back
is this your way of moving on?
look into my eyes
you will find what you're searching for
you will raise again in me she said
of the fire that burns forever more

I search under the stars
for the burning light that sparked your love for me
sky's as empty as this street
unanswered prayer, another solitic need?

where are you now?
where have you gone?
are you ever coming back?
is this your way of moving on?
was it something i said?
was it something i didn't say?
do the words i left unspoken,
still keep you away?

Where are you now?

Collide

2009-09-06T09:29:00.000-07:00

I almost fainted at the court today while playing floorball. Makes me wonder if something is wrong with my body.If something is really wrong with me and I just pass away the next day,how many people would actually care? Would she actually care?

I wonder...

Even the best falls down sometimes,even the star refuse to shine.

Shadow

2009-09-01T08:00:00.000-07:00

Meeting you these days is like looking at your shadow,I can only feel your presence but I can no longer be near to you. Is this really the ending i wanted? I can't be sure anymore.My fickleness often angers you but do you realise that you are the cause for my fickleness?

By the way,this is gonna be the last post until 17th Sept.I am gonna celebrate my birthday with trials.

Is there really any time left to turn this sinking boat and point it home?

Falling Slowly

2009-08-30T20:56:00.000-07:00

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that

Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react

And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

and I find myself falling slowly..

Chariot

2009-08-24T22:03:00.000-07:00

The Title is just random and it is a song by Gavin Degraw. A personal recommendation from me but i think most of the people out there might have listened to it before since it is one of the song that made him popular other than " I don't wanna be".

So here I am blogging while taking a break from studying. My trials is coming next Wednesday and I am certainly not going to able to finish studying every single chapter.That is a fact that i must admit since I been procrastination since last month.Well,I guess I belong to those kind who does last minute studying.

I actually enjoy my life becoming a routine nowadays. Every morning i would overslept till 10.30 A.M although i set my alarm at 9 A.M ,then I would laze around until 11 A.M.I would then start studying and stop for breaks to watch TV,online, and etc.It makes me have no expectation for the day and I am perfectly okay with the fact that i am being at home the whole day.I actually think i can live with this lifestyle until SPM is over.

I like this part of the song Chariot,the way he sings it and all.

Oh chariot, your golden waves
Are walking down upon this face
So chariot, I'm singing out loud
To guide me
Give me your
Strength.

That's all.

Wish I could

2009-08-14T10:41:00.000-07:00

This is a late night post so i guess I'll just pour out what is on my mind.

First of all,I became the only idiot to not know that we are having Gotong-royong in school today.I went to school just to waste my whole morning away.That explains why i am having problem with time management.At least,I get to talk to Mr.Tan about the current matters in the troop and he always amuse me with the amount of trust he puts on me.I have to thank him before I step down from my post for always calling my name before Matthew and calling me his right hand man.He is one of the few who recognises my contribution in the troop.Well,today would not be so bad if my bad was safely in my class rather than Discipline Room thanks to people who are so ignorant that my bag is in their class.

My mum insist on me coming home to sleep every night despite having night tuition lately.I know very well why she is doing that. She can see that I am tired after a long day packed with school and tuitions.Parents often do things for their children silently and never expect anything back from them. For that,I love you,Mum. Of course, For my dad who fetches me to school,I love you too. Its been so long since I last said that to them. In the book "For One More Day" by Mitch Albom,It is said that children who feel ashamed of their parent are kids who still have not grown up.So I will not neglect their importance and appreciate them.

I wish I could comfort her after knowing what happened but I have promised to leave so I can't go back anymore.I wish I could just not feel anything and just be like last time but the fact that something significant has happened before just could not be altered.I can only wish I could slowly let myself let go of all these.

If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

School,Life and Everything else

2009-08-13T08:25:00.000-07:00

Currently,We are having many 'Ceramah' in school to teach us how to answer question in SPM.How effective it is? I guess we have to ask those who are sleeping in the hall during the Ceramah.

At the start of the year, I hate my class and the people inside. I hate the fact that I am in the second class and I have to be one of those who went down from first class to second class.Few months ago,I start to enjoy being in my class and enjoy talking to the my classmates. Now,they have changed their attitude and I don't feel like i belong there anymore. Am i really in the class 5 Cekal? I can't help but to wonder sometimes.

I decided to stop going online for 2 weeks prior to my Trials exam. Its not worth risking my trials exam for a few hours of fun.However,I will still update my Facebook and Twitter once a day. That's all.

I have finished 15 chapters out of the many chapters that i have to study. I have 2 weeks left and I am going to give it my best try this time.

I have constantly asked myself lately that how a person can be so cold although you have known him/her so well before. I guess that is just human nature and we are Selfish as usual. I amuse myself sometimes for trying so hard to talk to someone who don't even want to talk to me anymore.Maybe its time to give myself a good reminder and stop going against the odds.

Revival

2009-08-12T06:54:00.000-07:00

I guess the title says it all. I decided to revive my blog but from now on you all will see short posts and random stuff that i feel like throwing into this personal space of mine.Those who can't stand it can kindly click the top right hand corner of your window.You can save yourself from reading it,easy as that.

My first post after so long!

Trials in 2 weeks time! I can almost feel the heavy pressure on my back but I am glad that SPM is finally so near. This is the time i step on that stepping stone in my life and see where my future lies. I am not gonna blow this up.

I just can't imagine myself regretting for not trying hard enough to study for my Future.

On a side note,I need more sleep! Can I have 36 hours a day?