After The Storm

As I sat in this corner of the airport, I felt oblivious to the environment around me. This is a luxury that hardly comes to me and "after the storm" was playing on my iPod. Sometimes I wish I could be stuck in a dimension like this where awareness or self consciousness doesn't  come at all. A place where I don't judge or get judged by others around me. Why have we fallen to a pit where we measure each other by the standard of the world around us. It makes me wonder about what is happiness in life. Is it the guy in front of me who is happy being with a Thai girl that is willing to be with him for the money? Is it that lady who are happily shopping away in the branded retail store? Is it that guy in suit that looks so satisfied with himself that I presume comes from his success in life? 

Do I really want to be in this Reality?

As I sucked out my last mouthful of wild Cherry blended, I found my answer to this question. I want to live in this reality. There is no way of escaping it but I can change the way I live in the reality. I could throw away the ways that I was taught to "survive" in this world. 

My God, this is my prayer

Take away self consciousness from my life

Take away judgmental attitude from me

Shield me and guard my mouth and mind from sin

Give me the wisdom to say things that build others and not say things that bring others down

True joy to be found at all time and satisfaction that are derived from the right thing. 

Amen.

This is the whole point of traveling, it gives me time to think and reflect my life. I went on a singapore trip this time. 

P.s : if you find that this post confusing, it's because I was writing as I sat down thinking so my thoughts flow in such a way. It's changi airport btw. 

Awake My Soul

I was walking down from university today. It is one of those days that you have your earphones plugged into your ears and you are having a leisure walk back. You watch people walking past you with their own conversations and you can't hear them. It is truly a weird yet interesting feeling for me as I felt like a built a world within the world around me.

So I was smiling and humming to the songs while I was walking down the hill that I usually dread walking up to reach the university. I think we are near to the end of autumn as the leaves are all over the surface and  the scenery of the trees are just breathtaking. It is scenery like this that you would not mind walking for the whole evening.

Well, I was having a good conversation with a friend of mine so when I was walking down the hill,it struck me how long I have been in this nightmare. This nightmare that had eroded my faith and hope. It almost felt like I lost my soul or maybe I did after all. I kept telling people around me to change their perspective when they look at things in life. We are all stubborn people and I am someone who is persistent with what I want. Probably that is why it took me so long to come out from the nightmare that I had.

It felt refreshing and relieving this evening when I was having my walk. Things are changing for me after all in Reading and I am glad that I am no longer waking up to the same nightmare again. I have crazy and awesome flatmates that make me laugh and wonder how am I gonna cope living out if I don't meet them. Our kitchen becomes like a common room for others as well and you could always have your facebook hacked if you leave your phone or laptop alone. I got to know Nimra which is like the one who is always making me do bad things and getting to lecture late. We both find it more productive to sit apart yet we still like to gossip and laugh at others at the same time. My cantonese is improving thanks to the fact that I have a bunch of HK friends.I am getting involved with MUN and enjoying myself in the process as well.

I shall include pictures as well just to make you all feel jealous of the scenery here.


For now,I have to go to bed for 9 am class that would be absolutely boring. On the bright side,I get only 1 hour lecture for the whole day. Stay Jealous,people.

For the First Time

This blog is probably so dead right now that no one bother clicking on the link anymore. 

I know it is rather hard to explain my absence for 4 months. My last post was before the end of my A2 examination. Trust me,I tried really hard to update this blog but I just could not make myself do it while my mind is so boggled up with everything else.

So my result came out and I got ABB for my A-levels. Turns out that I was able to make my Economics to be an 'A' but not the others. I was surprisingly calm about my result despite the fact that it means I won't be going to Nottingham after all. A good lesson was learnt from the whole A-levels and I am ready to move on to the next part of my life. 

So where did I end up then? After days of calling and email-ing,I finally got an offer for University of Reading. If there is one thing that was more depressing than not getting the grades for the university you applied to,its the fact that you have to beg your way into other universities. It was depressing and sense of rejection surrounded me the whole time. I had to motivate myself to not give up in calling up universities and trust that God will provide me a way in finding the right university. 

It is easy to blog when you have one major thing that happened in your life but having several major things happening over the past few months made me somewhat paralysed when I wanted to blog about it. My thoughts are always jumbled up and I can't seem to be able to piece everything together.

So,I have arrived in Reading! A small city that is 30 minutes off London and looks lovely in every way! People here are great as well and Fresher's week was a bomb except the fact that I did not go for it every single day. I just can't see myself partying every night and waking up the next day for event in the university as well. I must admit that the whole idea of living myself is scary and interesting at the same time. This is gonna definitely change my view about doing houseworks and stuffs like that. I feel like I am growing up once again and I need to be more mature now. 

It feels really good to be a fresher in the university although I still wonder how it would be if I am in Nottingham right now. However,I trust God in placing me here in Reading and I am willing to explore what is in store for me here. I shall explain in more detail of what has happened during the 4 months period. Just to keep you guys excited,I actually went to Cambodia and Australia for backpacking trip. ;)

Deeper Conversation

One more day till the end of A2 examination for A-levels.

I still remember the first day of college vividly when I was standing at the lobby thinking to myself that this is just one platform that I must get through with before I go for my law degree. One and a half year seem like a rather short period of time to be honest when you finish 11 years of public school education. What seems to me as a mere platform really transformed me in so many ways.

You realise that you have friends that were never yours at all. You see people relying on material possession to keep themselves afloat in what is called the Social Status. You realise that you are not that smart after all after facing tertiary education and how easy it is to slip off from where you are compared to secondary school. You realise that "love" simply don't exist if not coupled with "lust" in college. You would doubt the very existence of pure love in the society we live in today. The same would go for loyalty in friendship.

Some people go through this phase by following the flow which is easy because that just require you to succumb to social pressure and simply follow what others is doing. In fact,you might just have a good time in college and not worry about anything else. Some choose to live in denial and exist as a phantom in college ignoring what other does or talk about. Most of them come out with excellent result and snigger at those who chase for social status which makes them end up in some university that requires their parents just to pay money.

The truth is there is no winner or loser when it comes to college life. At least that is what I learnt from my experience being in college for that period of time. At the end of the day,it all goes back to what the individual chase for in life. Some people miss out on the social circle in high school and try to be that person that they failed to be in high school. Some choose to lose who they are in high school and reborn as a new person in college. Some just could not be bothered to change at all.

So what the author of this blog has chosen for his college life?

The fact is that I tried to be both the outgoing person and the nerd in college as well.

That was the biggest mistake.

I did not only succumb to social pressure but I tried to act like I did not at the same time. This left me thinking that I am smart and outgoing at the same time.

Needless to say,when my results came out for AS examination,I got one of the biggest hit of my life. If I were to describe it using physical means,it would amount to a Punch right on your face that shatters your nose. It makes you go blank for a moment then you just lie there slowly recalling the pain of the punch. The most painful part was not on my side,it was on my parents who were so hopeful when I went into college. Your son going to college with a full scholarship but ended up flunking his exam. I can't help but to feel guilty for shattering their hope.

Then you realise that you only have a handful of friends that will be there for you during times like this. You go around looking for answers of what went wrong in your life and get temporary answers which serve as a covering over your wound.

Then I started to shut everyone off from my life. I need to make things right again and for months I held on to that mindset. I told myself that I never want to see that disappointed face of my dad ever again because it hurts me so bad. To take this stance in life would be the start of one of the toughest period of my life. There are nights that stress overtook me and I just simply feel deflated. People that I love being pushed away from me.

If I have not found God,things would have been much worse. My prayer was always for God to be with me throughout this period. Knowing that He is here for me has brought great comfort in facing the harsh reality. Watching the trials and tribulation Jesus gone through in His life taught me about perseverance. Having my church friends around me has brought great encouragement and watching some of them know God like I did brings great joy to me. For that,I am forever grateful.

I understand now why I have to go through this before I am in university for degree.

Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that.

I counted once again almost fearful that it is true,One more day. It is finally gonna end for me. It has been a long journey yet it has been a "good teacher" to me. I thank God for this experience and I know I am going to walk out of this as a different man.

Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone)

It turns out tonight has been the most productive midnight studying that I had.

Its not because I managed to finish 3 chapters at one go,in fact I have not even started revising at all.

Let's just say this for the past 6 months,I been frantically looking for the answers to my downfall. I searched every single corner to find the answer! I was so desperate and often frustrated with most of my findings.

But I think I finally figured it out. :)

What is the answer then?

(Will be posted after my exam)

With this revelation,I no longer hold on to those things that I needed to.

This is just about right time.

I just want to thank my friends and most importantly,God for showing this revelation to me. I would still be living in my own illusions if this had not happened.

Happiness

This exam period seems to be sucking out all the optimism in me.

I feel like a zombie that is geared to revise and do past year questions every single day. I practically slap myself every single day to know that I am still alive in this world that seems to be moving so fast for me.

Faith and principle is shaken at this moment of my life when nothing else seems to matter more than the result of this examination. The burden of my expectation in studies seems to be pushing me lower and lower down the ground. I start to wonder whether is this all still worth it and will it all turn into dust in the end.

After all,I am only human and I break down too. Everyone seems to think I will do fine in the end of the day. Before we get there,I am clearly intimidated by the fear of not being able to enter university.

I know it seems like a small matter in some people's mind. Afterall, people could do external program degree or just go to some college and twin to another uni. It all comes down to having the money. I sometimes wish I was that complacent and put myself in that category.

It is pretty pointless to continue ranting like this without doing anything about it.

Honestly,Happiness feels a lot like sorrow and the amount of effort we put into getting happiness at the end of the day. It almost feels like Happiness is never mine to hold.

Walking After You

Somehow I feel like admitting this tonight.

I been liking the same person for the past two years.

May is one month that reminds me it has been two years already.

I am glad that I finally found the courage to admit this fact. I know so many who are still struggling till today and I am relieved that I finally walked out of it.

Don't get me wrong there,I never felt tortured that I actually like someone for such a period of time although we were just together for 1/12 of that duration. Well, the love that I felt for the another 11/12 of the duration is what made me sure that I fell in love.

Time is so often the measurement for everything in life. We go to the class and we ask how long its gonna take till it ends? We drive our car and ask how long its gonna take us to reach our destination? We ask people how fast is their progress in studying?

But if you ask me to measure Love with Time,I am sorry that I do not know how to do so. Honestly,I used to think that time could wash away feelings or rather make it fade away but I have come to realise that Time only serve as a gauze over your wound and it takes more than that to let it heal.

So how does it heal?

When you are ready to admit that you never really let that person go then now you are ready to walk after him/her towards a new world again.